You know those people that you really like? Like… REALLY like, but something always gets in the way and you can’t be together? 

I know someone like that and it’s just… upsetting. 

The story goes like this.

I met him here on Tumblr, he’s amazingly sweet and cute and nice but lives a long ways away. We talked and played video games online all the time but, the distance sucked. I can’t do distance like that, so when I started talking to someone here closer to me, we agreed to stay friends. 

Now I never talk to this person, and even when I try to stay in contact, they kinda just blow me off, and don’t care. We were friends on Facebook for a bit but now he’s unfriended me. It’s upsetting that one small thing causes a rift between two people so quickly. I don’t feel I was in the wrong. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but now I’m sad because I wanted to stay friends and the other party does not. 

I’m happier now where I am, but like… why can’t he be happy for me?

I guess I’ll just unfollow him, as to keep me from thinking about it. 

I just wish that it wasn’t like that.

Nothing is terribly new I suppose. Loyal is out of my life, thank god. From what I hear he’s got a boyfriend. Someone else’s problem.

I’ve been talking to this guy and he’s pretty awesome. There’s nothing too special about him except that he’s really nice and I like him a lot. We’ve been hanging out for around two weeks and I asked him last night what he thought about us being together. He liked the idea but I said I wanted to stay single for just a bit longer, just to make sure. I’m pretty sure we’re gonna be together before summer starts.

Everyone at work is going to a music festival and I really want to go. I was thinking about going to the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago around my birthday. Vampire Weekend is playing there this year and I love them. But we might be going to Seattle this year for my birthday which is just as fun.

But this guy I like is going to Bonnaroo and I really want to go with him. Also because Phantogram is playing and I fucking love them. But I want to be with this guy and go with him, but I don’t want to be a burden, you know? If he wanted me to go, I think he might have already invited me. There’s still the rest of the summer

But I really really REALLY want to go to a music festival. My life is absolutely boring and I need some fucking excitement.

I might be going to Seattle this summer for my birthday, but for what? I mean don’t get me wrong. I am very excited to see Seattle, but I think I’m jealous because everyone is so excited to do their things and I’m not as excited as they are. Everyone is going out and having a great time and I want to have fun too… I’m so bored. I need this excitement dammit.

So I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can take a road trip for shits and giggles this summer and go somewhere new. I was hoping I could go to the Pitchfork AND Seattle but I think we’re doing those around the same time so it’s either one or the other. I’m sure there are other music festivals, but I doubt they’ll be as big or fun as Coachella, Bonnaroo, SXSW, Wakarusa, or Pitchfork.

God damn now I’m bummed out.

So far, everything’s just been… crazy.  School has started and I am still working full time, but it’s not as bad as you would think. I piled all of my classes on to two days and those two days I do not go to work. I get the rest of the day to do homework and if I get ahead of myself, play. But I keep feeling empty.

I get to hang out with friends occasionally, which is always nice. I love them all to death and I would take a bullet for each and every one of them. Working is always nice and refreshing. I get to focus on something for once and not worry about anything else. School is just the same. I’ve been enjoying my Humanities class and I’m getting much better at my French, which I honestly am rather proud of. I have the coolest French Professor. She actually lives in the suburb I live in and I’ve seen her around but it’s usually at awkward times. Anyways, she’s from France and her name is even Francoise so of course she knows French. She’s a badass though. I like her. My Speech professor likes me and even calls on me and asks if I can give examples for the class. I feel like I’m helping teach the class on a subject I know nothing about. It’s awesome. My Writing for Mass Media class is exceptionally easy too. So far all we’ve gone over is punctuation and sentence construction. This semester is going to be amazingly easy for me! 

I have a lot of money saved up in my account, or at least a lot of money to someone my age. I prefer not to spend it, and use it for emergencies but today I went ahead and bought some new clothes for the summertime. It was nice. My job is amazing. I love the people I work with so very deeply and I feel like I’ve become an actual part of the little family they had going on. Scratch that. I really do consider them all relatives. They’ve been amazing to me and I love each and every one of them and even have a crush on one too. But that’s a secret. Shh.

My moms have never been happier. They had a little rough patch because of some friend’s drama, but that’s over and done with. One of my moms had a kidney stone but thankfully passed it two days later. My other mom has been doing very good. It’s been a year since her hysterectomy and she went in and the doctor said she couldn’t be any healthier. 

Everything is looking up… So why am I depressed?

I’ve come to realize that I’ve found my niche in the world. Some people are amazing artists. Some people are musically inclined. Some people are just good at everything. I’ve been wondering what my one thing is, and I think I know what it is. I’m good at being a person. I’m a good listener. I’m a good speaker. I have great social skills, and for the most part the majority of my contacts agree with me. Finding something out like this is ground-breaking for me. I’ve wanted to be good at something for so long, when what I’ve been looking for has been under my nose this entire time. I’ve reached a point of self-reflection that I hadn’t been able to for 20 years. That’s amazing. So I’m taking my Speech class to heart because that’s what I’m good at. Someone said to me that my relationship skills were superb.

That’s what’s wrong. There goes the notification to why I feel empty.

I know I said I was done talking about all of this relationship bullshit, but that’s all I can think about recently. I do miss Loyal, but he fucked up… Hard. But I miss him. I think what I miss more is actually meaning to someone and feeling important to them. I’ve been single for four years now. Except for that one month that I dated Loyal, but it’s lots easier to say four years than to say three years and seven months, in a relationship for a month, then four more months after that. Four years.

For the first time in my ENTIRE life… I feel like I NEED a boyfriend. I swore to myself that I was better off waiting until I found someone worth waiting for, and I would never say that I needed a boyfriend. I could want to my heart’s desire, but I swore I would never NEED one, but here I am saying it. I can’t sit here and just feel empty like this. I’m depressed and all I do is think of how things were, not how they’re going to be. I hate myself for it because it’s conflicting. I don’t need a boyfriend but that’s all I’m missing. I really feel like if I had a significant other that my life would be pretty damn near perfect, but it’s not. I know it never will be. I just need to kick this fucking depression. 

I think the most harmful part of all of this is how conflicting it is with who I am and who I said I will be. I refuse to be one of those slutty little fags that has to be in a relationship due to a social status, but I don’t want to be one of those kids where someone looks at them and says “Oh he can’t be with anyone.” It’s sickening because I feel like I’m both. I’ve gone four years waiting for a decent guy. No. Fuck that. I’ve gone way longer than that trying to find someone worth waiting for. But they never come up. 

Maybe I need a change of pace? I’m starting to work at American Eagle again in he summertime. That is going to be exciting, that’s a new change of pace. I’ll be moving out before that happens too. That’s also exciting. 

But I want to share all of this excitement with someone. I want to feel happy again and I want to be inspiring to someone. That’s all I want right now and I’m scared that all of this “want” is turning into “need” and I can’t have that. 

Basically, I’m sitting here typing this and tearing up because I’m at a war with myself. I take back what I said earlier about hating myself. I don’t hate myself. I hate my situation. 

I really need to get back into yoga…

But not forever. I’m just putting this Loyal business in the grave.

Well I never heard back from Loyal. 

Big surprise, I know.

But I really do think about him all the time, and I do wish him the best life he can live. There’s no point now in me dwelling on this whole thing. I know I’m going to think about him and I know I’m going to miss him. I always will. I have this weird thing about when I make connections with people. I have a hard time letting go of that connection. It’s just who I am. So I really do hope that he lives his life to the fullest and is the best at what he does. May he find someone worth his time, and hopefully I’ll find mine. 

On a lighter note, my life has been average since this whole shitfest. It sucks though, because I had gotten my hopes up about having a love life again, and they were ripped away from me, as per usual. But it’s okay. I feel better after all of this, I honestly do. 

So I’m trying not to get myself down about still being single, and I’m trying to focus on myself more.

I’m going to get back into shape, quit (or drastically reduce) the amount I smoke, I’m going to (try) to focus more on school and work to get money.

And above all, my main goal is to get somewhere new. I am tired of this podunk shitty ass state with its horrible people and I want to go somewhere new and start over. I will for sure miss the friends I do have here, especially the ones I’ve come to meet as of late, but I just feel like I would be happier somewhere else. I don’t think Tulsa was made for me.

So I end this post asking for your good luck charms/prayers/support/whatever it is you do to help me get along. 

all 14 of you

I should be livid.

I should be so angry, but I just… Don’t have it in me. I haven’t heard from Loyal for another day… Again.

I gave him my negotiations… I gave him time. But nothing has happened.

So theoretically, I should be pissed and not worry about it, right?

Well I can’t. I find myself constantly thinking about him, wondering if he’s okay, wondering if he’s happier this way, wondering if I should be happier this way, just… Wondering.

And it seriously hurts. I’m broken. I dot know why I keep thinking about him when all signs should point to me not giving a single fuck.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Loyal finally came back. I say that in a kind of mean way, and I kind of mean it like that.

Let’s recap and transition into what all has happened.

Loyal tells me he wants to hang out at noon this past Monday. He doesn’t show up. I become angry and leave after waiting for two and a half hours (curse my fucking abnormal amount of patience). I don’t hear from him all day, nothing at all. Nothing the next day either and it wasn’t until the second day after that he finally texts me apologizing and explaining that he got shitfaced drunk and lost his phone.

Let me tell you why I have a problem with this.

He stood me up, so hopefully one thing he would have done first would be to get in contact with me as soon as possible and tell me what happened, I dunno maybe through Facebook or someone else. Nope. It was at his convenience that I sat there for two days biting my nails, not being able to sleep, hardly being able to eat and breaking down at work and crying because I was so god damn worried.

No. It was the second day after he had mysteriously vanished that he texts me explaining his stance and I stood strong and took the advice of my mother, and two of my closest friends Ed and Tara.

I didn’t say anything to him.

His second text three hours later was sincere, however, and he said that he’s sorry one last time and understands it was his fault. I was done being patient. It was his turn to go without me. Plus this little bit of time gave me time to think about if I really wanted to go through with this relationship or not.

But I seriously like him. I love him. I’ve been like this since the last time we were together.

So being who I am, I tell him this:

So. I want to say first, you should in fact be sorry. Next I want to say, that I am over it. But not you. What I’m over is constantly waiting or being stood up at just a chance to hang out with you. So here’s what I have to say. I’m not going to talk about this over text. That’s middle school shit and I’m more mature than that. So The ball is now permanently in your court, Loyal. You have the ability to message or text me whenever and ask what I’m doing at any given point in time and I can tell you whether I’m free or not. So it’s all on you. When you can get your shit together, and you can find a time where you will be on time, I won’t get stood up and have to wait for three hours, then I’ll be more than happy to hang out with you then. I’m done exerting myself when you just go out and do whatever. I’m done going out of my way for just. A. Chance. So that’s all I have to say. Get with me when you’re free and we’ll go from there.

I held no punches. I was not in the mood to be nice and let him slide away with something again. I sent this to him about three hours ago and I haven’t heard anything since. Which I’m okay with. I went two days without him and now that the laws have been laid, I’m not budging.

I’m not a vindictive person at all hit seriously, I’ve bent over backwards and waited around so long just to see him. That’s all I ever want is to be around him, but something like this almost always happens.

It’s very rare for my patience to run thin, and that was just simply an understatement for this situation.

Currently I stand in a position where I want to talk with him about being “us” again. I want to be with him so bad. I care for him deeply and that’s why I’m doing this. I just… I really like him, but I can’t do this waiting thing anymore. I hope we can talk it out and if not, then I should probably start preparing myself for separation… Which is going to be really hard…

Where are you…?